More than a coach
I am woken up by the aroma of eggs and bacon, while the leaves fall on a bright sunny autumn morning. I walk down the stairs into the kitchen and he says to me in an excitement tone
“big day today Ryan, It’s championship Sunday”.
It indeed was an exciting day because It was the championship game against our biggest rival northeast catholic badgers. I couldn’t stop thinking about the game all week, and my dad who is also the coach of my team had made us practice hard before game day so that we are all ready to go. Before I get in the car I’m packing my bag and grabbing my cleats. I could feel the excitement and nerves already starting to kick in and we didn’t even leave yet. My dad can see the nerves taking control of me so he pulls me aside before we leave sits down and says
“don’t be nervous, you and the team have worked so hard to get here. I have faith in you and everyone else that we are going to bring the championship home and whatever happens today I couldn’t be more proud of you and everyone else on the team.”
I still was nervous but also could still feel the excitement more. So after that we get in the car and head to the game. We got to the game and the atmosphere was electrifying families and friends all on the bleachers cheering for the their team. As i am walking across the field i am just remembering what my dad has told. me just before the game in my mind
"Don't be nervous you worked very hard to get here and i couldn't be more proud".
We won the game 2-1 and the crowd was just roaring with emotions. The whole team just crowded around each other hugging, celebrating, and holding the trophy up. I look in the stands with a tear coming down from my dads eye and i could see how proud he was for me. I go to him after we are done celebrating and he says.
"I am proud of you and congratulations son you won, and played a great game".
He has always been my coach growing up till I got to high school and it always wanted me to be successful in soccer so it was glad to make him proud. He always pushed me to be better and do better always. My dad is a very upbeat, stern man ,who you can literally talk to for hours. Very outgoing and loved by everyone who knows him. All of my friends, and fellow teammates of mine always had impact not only in just my life, but also impacted former teammates of mine that he coached for a long time and they see him not only has a coach either.
Hi Ryan, one of the first things I identified was the first and second sentences. It may make more sense to combine these sentences to make it flow better. Maybe something like, "I am woken up by the aroma of eggs and bacon, while the leaves fall, on a bright sunny autumn morning." It helps you to picture the bright morning more clearly. And maybe add the identification of your father in the third line when you say, he says to me. You could say " I see my excited father exclaim, 'big day..." You should start a new paragraph when you start new dialogue and capitalize the first letter of the quote. Your second it should not be capitalized, and maybe tell us who your biggest rival is to help the reader to understand more. Instead of saying, before I get in the car, maybe start with the ending part of your sentence so it reads, "I packed my bag and grabbed my cleats before I got in the car. End the sentence with before we leave. Start a new sentence with, He sits me down and says... Revise the quote to add more punctuation in your fathers quote since it is a run on sentence. Also, check the capitalization and paragraph structure for that quote. Maybe change the penultimate sentence to read, "I was still nervous but I also could still feel the excitement rushing throughout my veins." And maybe change the last sentence to, "After my father's motivational speech, we embarked on a journey that would end with the game that would decide everything." Great job Ryan, I only had a few notes and I would just look at your tense since I believe it shifts throughout your anecdote. Good Job!
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